constantly working on myself.
You Might Also Like
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”