Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
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[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Good morning.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.