Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
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FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS