Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain