My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
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i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself