wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
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“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
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