You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
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I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
The little toadstool has spoken.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.