Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
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You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.