[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
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Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
😂😂
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like