Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
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If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.