Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
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If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
i think we should see other cousins
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.