If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
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My mother’s maiden name is Password.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
is nasa ok
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
buying dead houseplants to save time