I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
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If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer