*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
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My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
guilty
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”