When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
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According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Me trying to look natural in photos
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza