He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
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Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it