Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
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Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.