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[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*