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I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Never forget.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended