In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
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Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I love twitter
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three