Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
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The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?