“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
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Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
peeping toms
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.