Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
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[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.