What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
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Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
My love language is hissing.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
My favorite female superhero
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet