What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
You Might Also Like
all bases covered
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
How wrong was this guy?
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
See..?
.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.