Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
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you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.