PLOT TWIST:
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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.