Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
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The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.