I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
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Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
blocked.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone