[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
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You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Geez man, take it easy.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.