Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
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Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?