Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
You Might Also Like
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
OMG 🤣🤣
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I feel seen.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing