DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
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[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!