I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
You Might Also Like
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.