I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
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Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”