Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
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Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
LOL!
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.