… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
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Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming