Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
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Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.