I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
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The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Bruh PLEASE
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Buck naked
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.