Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
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I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.