Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
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I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
If only.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
my mom making me talk to relatives
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.