#growingpains
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I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?