You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
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My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Match dot com, but for socks.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.