Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
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Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window