People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
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[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
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B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.