two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
He-man has a Masters degree
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os