Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
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My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog