I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
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Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Breaking news:
reviewed some movies recently
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.