Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
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ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”