Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
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Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?